Got a Bad one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
MEMORANDUM
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company
have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their
coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this
type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. Preferred
Phrase / * Old Phrase
Perhaps I can work late
* When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
I'm certain that is not feasible
* No fucking way
Really?
* You've got to be shitting me
Perhaps you should check with ...
* Tell someone who gives a shit
Of course I'm concerned
* Ask me if I give a shit
I wasn't involved in that project
* Its not my fucking problem
That's interesting behavior
* What the fuck?!?!
I'm not sure I can implement this
* Fuck it, it won't work
I'll try to schedule that
* Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
Are you sure this is a problem
* Who the fuck cares?
He's not familiar with the problem
* He's got his head up his ass
Excuse me sir?
* Eat shit and die motherfucker
So you weren't happy with it?
*Kiss my ass
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment
* Fuck it, I'm on salary
I don't think you understand
* Shove it up your ass
I love a challenge
* This job sucks
You want me to take care of that?
* Who the hell died and made you boss?
I see
* Blow me
Yes, we really should discuss it
* Another fucking meeting!!!!
I don't think this will be a problem
* I really don't give a shit
He's somewhat insensitive
* He's a fucking prick
She's an aggressive go getter
* She's a ball busting bitch
I think you could use more training
* You don't know what the fuck you're doing
My Favorite Things
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and French fries and girls
with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a
few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the
hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my
favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've
selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my
favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee
surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my
favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of
baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my
favorite things
Girlfriend 5.1 Upgrade
Last year, I upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs itself as
"fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real
memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do
ANYTHING.
It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some
applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able
to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as mother-in-law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in
the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated
with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately,
this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from
the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background,
and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions.
To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages
of upgrading to
Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming
Girlfriend 6.1 release:
� A "Don't remind me again" button
� Minimize button
� Shutdown feature
� An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary
(so you don't lose cache and other objects)
Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to
take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next
Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the
use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most notably are system conflicts
and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0.
Interestingly enough, ail versions of Personal Lawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0
apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources,
I personally find ail these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time
consuming. I'm sticking with Dog l.Ob3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all
these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.
The man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the
store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At
the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers
and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their
fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and
she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's
like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended
up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands
are covered with powder and... "You God Damn liar!!! You went bowling again
huh?!?!"
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney
asked,
"May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those
dayvorce's." The
attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got
about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a
case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The
attorney said,"No you don't understan I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer
said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The
attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said,
"Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays. The exasperated
attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer
said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says,
"Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer
says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep
her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. (For joke purposes, let’s ignore what he might do while on his trip) So
he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about
alife-sized doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through
the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I
don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except—" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man
asked. "Nothing, ." "C’mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I
don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick.’" "So
what’s up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the
counter, and pulled out an Old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and
there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big
fucking deal. It Looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,
"But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet." He pointed to a door and
said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, And started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations,
and a crack Developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man Said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick Stopped, floated back to
the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I’ll take it!" said the
businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He
left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d
been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who
would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three
orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband
had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the
hospital quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made
her swerve off the
road, And she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop
screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah right...Voodoo
dick, my ass!"
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he
discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what
she is brewing. "A magic potion" she replies. "Well what does it for?"
he asks. "This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" At this he gets
really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will
have dire consequences on his sex life. After a short period of soul searching he decides
to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent
game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every
possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and
having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where
he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?" "Great! This has been
the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?" "Oh, not bad." "Really? This stuff
can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times." "And you call that not
bad?" "Well for a priest with a small parish....."
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the
VIP section and yells something, Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws
her over the railing and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr.
President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!'"
As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel
like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron
this".
A young boy and his mother were standing in a grocery store behind a large woman who wore
a beeper on her belt. Suddenly, the beeper went
off. The little boy cried, "Careful, Mommy--she's backing up!"
How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree. If he climbs the tree
and eats you, he's a black bear. If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a
grizzly.
Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning, and tells you to fuck
off.
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary
confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him
whatever he wants. The Italian says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The
judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wif and heads off to solitary. The Jew
says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the
Jew with his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches
the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of
cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and
15 children: "It wasn't so bad...." The Jew emerges and announces he is now a
multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then comes
out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a match?"
Hard Night
A drunk was staggering around in front of a saloon, holding his car key out in front of
him. Cop walks up and asks what he's doing. Drunk says, "I'm trying to find my
car." Cop says, "You're too drunk to drive, anyway. Where was your car last time
you saw it?" Drunk says, "Right here on the end of my key! I think somebody
stole it!" Cop looks the drunk up and down and says, "Mister, your fly's open
and your thing's hangin' out." Drunk looks down and says, "Aw shit! They got my
girl, too!"
REALLY BAD DIANA JOKES !!!!
Q: What did the Queen give Fergie for her Birthday?
A: A first class trip to Paris with dinner at the Ritz!
Q: What did Di and Dodi drink at the Ritz before the fatal car crash?
A: 4 Harvey WALLBANGERS and 2 SLAMMERS, followed by 6 CHASERS!!!
Q: After the RADIO, what was Di on next?
A: The Dashboard the Windscreen, Roof...etc!
Q: Why is Dodi's Penis Red?
A: Because he dipped it in Di!!!
Q: Why was Di in a Mercedes that night?
A: Because she didnt want to be seen dead in a Volvo!!!
Q: Whats the difference between Di and Tiger Woods?
A: Tiger Woods has a better driver!!!
Q: What was the last thing to go through Di's mind when she hit the wall?
A: Her assehole.
Q: What's the difference between princess di and the NFL teams?
A: The NFL teams came out of the tunnel on Sunday!
Elton John is going to rename his tribute song "Door handle through her Grin!!!
Dodie to bodyguard..Wanna come with me and Di in the car tonite!!!
Q: What does Diana stand for?
A: Dead In A Nasty Accident.
My wife kept complaining that I never took her on vacation, so I decided to take her
to
Paris and give her the royal treatment...
Q: What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
A: Aren't we moving a bit to fast!!!
Q: How do you paint a tunnel
A: With Di.
Q: Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
A: Because he's the only queen who gives a shit!!
Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they
realised that he already had a radiator on his chest..
Q: What is the Difference between Di and Mother Theresa?
A: About 4 Days!!
Di and Dodi are in the car on the way home from a night out on the
town in Paris. Di says to Dodi "Why don't we stay at my place tonight?".
Dodi replies "No, I insist we stop at my place.". So Dodi and Di
proceed to have a big argument about this, at which point the driver
turns round and says "Look, if you can't decide, why don't we just
crash here for the night?"!
Q: What happened to the fairy Princess when the clock struck Twelve?
A: She turned into a PILLAR!!!
Q: Whats Diana and a tampon got in common??
A: They both go in dark holes and come out red...
Mercedes has issued new safety stickers for their rear view mirrors -
"PAPARRAZI IN THE MIRROR APPEAR CLOSER THAN THEY ARE"
Q: What does DODI stand for ?
A: Died Opposite DI.
Q: What does DODI stand for?
A: Died On Dashboard Impact.
Q: What do Diana and George Burns have in common?
A: They both died at 100.
Q: What does Pink Floyd, Senna and Di have in common?
A: They all had Hits with the WALL!!
There are some unfounded rumours that the British Secret Service killed
Diana. It's completely untrue! The French underground did it!!
When Dodi asked Diana to marry him, she said that she needed something
more concrete in her life.
Q: What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi?
A: No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess!!!
Q: What was the last thing Di said before she died?
A: These photographers are going to drive me up a wall.
Q. What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common?
A. They both come out of France in a box.
Q: What is harder than getting red wine out of your carpet ?
A: Getting Di out of your upholstery !!
Merc have launched a new series. It has 2 air bags in the front and
two body bags in the back.
Q: Why did the Poms want to cremate Di??
A: That way they finally get to keep the ashes!
Q: What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
A: Scratching on the lid of her coffin!
Q: How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
A: He was the one talking to the flowers.
Q: What do you give to a princess who has everything?
A: A safetybelt and an airbag..
Q: What's the similarity between Princess Di and a landmine?
A: They're both easy to lay but difficult to clear up.
Q: What did Diana do when she heard her driver had been drinking?
A: She hit the roof.
Q: What were the last two things Dodi did?
A: Di(e)!
Q:What is the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
A: At the London one you get mints after dinner, where as in Paris you get Minced!
Q: Why did Elton John sing at her funeral?
A: Cause the crash test dummies could not make it.
Q: How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
A: They found her Head & Shoulders on the dashboard.
After weeks of greif and trauma Dodi's father finally received some good
news the other day.........
The car will be ready to pick up on Tuesday...